Beginnings...

So I've been focused very much on endings for the past few weeks, with good reason. I've been a bit depressed/down in the dumps and allowed myself to get lost in the doldrums. But hey, summer is here! I'm alive! To quote Sixx A.M. "Life is beautiful"! I've got a renewed sense of self-- I've been working on cleaning up my spaces from getting my laundry done to sorting through papers- dumping the not essential pieces of my life. Do I really need 65 copies of worksheet packets? I think not, my friends! Do I really need all those stupid window envelopes that the bills came in? Nope! So I spent the past week/weekend sorting through a lot of stuff at home and in my classroom. There's still a long way to go, but I feel better about where I've gotten to so far.

It's really not easy sorting through your life and deciding what to keep and what to toss. My brother Jimmy would say "Toss it all," but I can't do that. I'm an English teacher. We hold on to everything because we never know "when we might need it." Might. Why do I get hung up on that? Do I need it now? No. Do I need it tomorrow? No. Do I need it next week? Nope. So, out it goes! I guess what I need to get a handle on is that I can re-create most of the stuff I've done in the past four years. Besides, I always re-do everything anyway. My teaching is like my mom's cooking: never the same way twice.

So, this is a time for renewal- a time for focusing on me: what do I want? What do I need? How can I make myself a better, stronger, more confident person?

It's rough...

Packing up four years worth of stuff when i don't know what the future holds for me. However, I was actually inspired by Oprah's mission statement for today:
"Happiness lives in the spirit, not on the surface. Stop defining yourself by what you see--or think you see--when you look in the mirror."

I've been defining myself by what I see in the mirror and boy has it been depressing. So, I'm going to take my sparkly Mickey watch (courtesy of Uncle Tony an Aunt Lainie) and have a good time for myself. Who knows what the future holds? I don't. I leave it all in God's hands.

Nice thing happened today- when I told my "I" period students I wouldn't be back next year they said "We love you Hurls" and applauded for me. One of them started crying- albeit for the club that I have to abandon- but that touched me a lot. I almost started crying too. sighs

"Whenever God closes one door... Somewhere He opens a window..." I'm just hoping the window is looking out some place special. I'd just like some security. But again... "not my will, but Thine be done."

A breakdown?

Yes... just a little one. Grades, packing boxes, project reports, exit portfolios.... I feel like tossing it all in the garbage. I feel like I've been tossed in the garbage.

Weight? Yeah, that's not working either. I can't break the barrier. I lose focus. I collapse before I even get started.

Well, back to the grind.

The end is near

Well, I've got over 330 hours done now in my internship... and I keep on working knowing I don't have a job next year. I guess that's the hardest part of this. I keep plugging along with a smile on my face, not screaming and yelling and acting like someone who has given up. I haven't given up. I will find something, somewhere. I just wish I could wipe away this year and start over- except I wouldn't like to do this internship again.

How ironic is it that the one thing I had the most fear about- the internship- ended up being the best part of my year. My teaching- which seems to have gotten me fired- I felt totally secure about. I guess perceptions can definitely be misleading.