New job = Fountain of Youth?

As many of you know, I started a new job this week. My last day of work before this past Monday was June 26th. Yes, I had the summer "off," but during that time I had been looking for new jobs with no success. I know there are so many people in the same boat these days and it's an awful feeling.

Many of you know how I've been feeling about being unemployed, and I'm sure many of you have had similar feelings in your own life.  The feelings ran the gamut from rage at not being seen for the wonderful worker I am to apathy to deep depressive sadness to feelings of complete lack of worth. It's enough to age a person, especially when the help you were hoping to receive suddenly dries up.

Then you watch your savings dwindle as you struggle to pay your bills and maintain some semblance of a social life. Isn't that one of the lovely Catch-22's of the unemployed- you don't have money coming in, but you need to spend money to network, revamp/print resumes and cover letters, pay for gas to get to interviews, buy new clothes/suits... You also don't want to be the downer in a group, so you say "Yes, let's go out to that restaurant/club/movie" and spend the $20-$100 you don't have so that you can spend time with your friends who will hopefully cheer you up and provide some relief from the drudgery of sitting home all day. All of this takes a toll on the psyche and the body.

One of the worst things about being unemployed is the emotional eating. I felt almost itchy with the need to do something, anything, so I ate. It was so frustrating watching all the work I did during the spring and summer evaporate because of my emotional situation.  And even though I knew I was doing it, I couldn't stop myself from doing it. It was so easy to just pour some chips (even if they were organic, sea-salted ones) into a Gladware plastic container and mindlessly cram them into my mouth while sitting on the couch and watching nonsense.

Then I got the news that one of the interviews had paid off. I'd gotten a job! Yes, it's a long-term temporary position, but it's a job! I felt this weight of hopelessness lift from my soul and fill me with a new excitement. The only difficult thing for me is that the hopefullness was tinged with the leftovers from the whole unemployment thing because the money situation has still not improved. It takes time, of course, but time adds up in terms of bills and debt.

One of the best feelings, however, was going into my first day on the new job and being welcomed warmly. Was I put to work right away, of course! But it was work coupled with appreciation for intelligence and the capability to work hard. 

It's hard not to make downward comparisons when I think about what I suffered last year. I'm in a lovely office space, have my own cubicle with phone, computer, garbage and recycling bins... I can go to the bathroom whenever I want (no more need for "teacher bladder"!!); can have coffee whenever I want... There's a cafeteria with yummy selections and plenty of space for colleagues to sit and dine together indoors or outside. And best of all (don't be too jealous teacher friends), there is a whole supply room that I can go to and take what I want. It's like a mini Staples/Office Max. I almost cried.

And copies? Last year I spent hundreds of dollars at Staples copying my worksheets because the copier at the school never worked and had no paper. Then I switched to printing my worksheets on my own printer & re-using the paper again. Now? I can print in COLOR from my desktop as well as make color copies. I'm in heaven. It's so lovely being treated like a valuable human being.

Which leads to the title of this post. When I called my mom at the end of the day she said "So, I'm guessing it was good?" And I asked, "How could you tell?" She said, "Your voice is totally different. You sound happy." Boy, was I! Then I saw Adam for my workout later that evening and he said, "You look younger." How's that for a response?! It's amazing what having a job can do for one's sense of self-worth and pride. While I kept myself busy during my "unemployed" time trying to start a business and find a job, it wasn't something I wanted to brag about or discuss with others.

I think one of the nicest things about this job is that I don't have to take anything with me when I leave. When I was teaching, I'd take papers, books, materials, problems and tons of negative emotions. Now, when I leave, I grab my jacket and my purse and head out the door. It's amazingly liberating. In addition, I don't have to spend hours worrying about the "What ifs" that go hand-in-hand with teaching. I wake up in the morning, get dressed and head out the door with no more worry than getting to work on time. And here's the kicker folks- I'm early every day.  Last year, I had to practically drag myself out of bed every morning because my psyche was trying to protect me from the toxicity. I felt like a shadow of my former self because I used to be early all the time. Now, I'm back to my earlier-than-usual self :) 

So, now I just need to get back into a healthier eating phase and I'll be back on track. This job is providing the healing that I needed and I'm so grateful for it!

I am grateful

I found out today that I'm officially no longer employed. That was a big blow to the ego. I've been working steadily since I graduated from high school and find this to be a bit disconcerting. I spent the morning trying not to vomit, applying for unemployment benefits and applying for jobs. After about four hours of this, I said to myself, "Enough is enough. Time to get up." After all, one doesn't want one's hiney to resemble a computer chair!

My mom gave me some good advice this morning, she told me to pick one or two things that *had* to get done today. The rest was not necessary to think about. That proved to be the one thing that kept me moving today. And move I did! After my "computer work" I was finally able to stomach food, so I had some breakfast, then did a little workout. I haven't bellydanced in a while, so it was fun to turn on Neena and Veena and let the snake arms go.

Then while I was waiting for my laundry, I went on the treadmill and walked for a bit. I saw that there was this journal on the window ledge and picked it up. I'd gotten it for my mom a long time ago, but she hadn't been in a place to use it. It was waiting for me. Inspirations: A Gratitude Journal by Barbara Morina.  This is what I wrote in response to the prompts:

Today's weather/news/current events: Muggy, overcast, Tropical Storm Fred; Obamacare.

Today I feel: Crappy because I got discontinued, yet relieved that I'm no longer bound to the toxicity of that  place.

I am grateful for: Mom, Dad, Rory, Grammie, Auntie, Andrea, Yvette, Heidi, Amy, Adam,  my cousins and my friends; my home, food, clothing and my health.

Spiritually: I need prayers... and to pray.

People in my thoughts: Monica

Magical moments (comfort, peace, and love): Mom hugging me like I was five and had skinned my knee.

For a better tomorrow (Goals, ideas, etc.): I will apply to at least 3 jobs, work on my business plan, work out hard, and find clients. 

I know things aren't fabulous. But, it could be worse... and I'm grateful it isn't.

Favorite things... (an exercise)

*One exercise in The Right to Write is to make a list of 100 of your favorite things and then take out the list to cheer yourself up or remove yourself from the "drama" of life. I decided to take one of my favorite things and just write about that. *

The sun's beam gently washes over her fur, sparkling against the striations of brown, orange, black and white. She's curled up in a ball, defying all logic and making me incredibly jealous at the same time. How wonderful to be able to close in on oneself like that! Her whiskers twitch as she scents something in her dream: a mouse? a bird? a bug? The fierce hunter within her is ready to pounce... but maybe later.

She opens one eye, partly, to see if there's anything for which she should feign interest. Finding nothing, she stretches out of her ball, extending her body to twice its former length. She lays there, looking vaguely sphinx-like in the sun: head held upright, eyes shut, paws outstretched. The sun dances across her fur making its own light show in the sparkle of reflection from her shiny coat.

A flexing of her claws in her sleep suggests contentment- not a cat on the hunt. The model of relaxation, a soft purr reverberates from deep within her chest, modulating in time to her breathing. Her purring, combined with the sun glinting off her fur, is enough to lightly hypnotize anyone nearby.

Her head relaxes, chin falling to rest on her outstretched paws, again defying all conceptions of flexibility. The pose looks so uncomfortable, yet the cat appears boneless, weightless and enviable as she naps in the soft light of day.

"Bad Writing" - an exercise...

(This is an exercise from Julia Cameron's Right to Write- Write a tabloid story... as crazy as possible)

Londonderry, Ireland.

In what appears to be a mass movement, the Tuatha de Danaan have emerged from their fairy mounds and are once again laying claim to Ireland. One observer of the mass exodus from under the hills stated, "They were just floating, tall and serene, more beautiful than anything I have ever seen."

As all in Ireland know, the Tuatha de Danaan conquered Ireland by eliminating or enslaving the Fir Bolg. They were later banished, or retreated, under great mounds throughout Ireland, due to low birth rate. They became the popular reasons for colicky children (changeling); wailing upon the death of a loved one (ban sidhe or banshee) and all other forms of mischief throughout the centuries.

With the re-emergence, one has to question the timing of the move. Many attempted to ask the fae ones questions, but were rebuffed or ignored completely. It was as if the creatures from under the mounds neither knew, nor cared to learn, our language.

Local businesses, homes, and traffic were disrupted for several hours until the Garda remembered that the Fae are allergic to steel and rounded several of them up with steel chains, ostensibly bound for prison. Unfortunately, this was not before several members of the community were enraptured by the ethereal creatures and taken under the mounds with, what appeared to be, fairy soldiers.

It remains to be seen what will happen to the fairies now that they have revealed themselves, once again, to the world.

A story

This is something I wrote as a sort of exercise... comments/feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Looking out over the sprawling prairie grasses, I could see a hill with a tree on it. It reminded me of the fairy mound I saw in Donnegal during my visit to Ireland ten years ago. The sun was beating down on my head, which was, strangely, uncovered in the heat.

There was nothing around me for miles- just grass and flowers; soft blue sky and clouds; and of course, the sun. I could see that tree, branches spread like a leafy umbrella, offering shade to those who could make the journey.

I started off towards the tree, feeling the sweat dripping from my brow and down my face. The shadows rippled under the tree with the changing leaf patterns, little semaphores suggesting shade and rest. It seemed so far away from where I stood among the grasses.

I walked slowly, trying not to sweat any more than I absolutely needed to sweat. I hate sweating, but it’s our body’s way of regulating our metabolism and temperature, so I allow it to happen. Taking a deep breath, I smelled the growing grasses, the rich earth and the wildflowers that populated the field. From the direction of the tree, I smelled a freshness I hadn’t expected- a cool breeze wafted across my face.

I reached the base of the hill upon which the tree stood and was surprised to find someone already there. “Hello,” I said cheerfully. The old woman just stared at me as if I was a bug she’d be squashing in a few moments.

“Sit there,” she said brusquely, pointing to a cushion on the other side of the tree. A cushion. Why was there a cushion under this tree in the middle of nowhere? Why was this woman sitting here, as if waiting for me?

I lowered myself down to the cushion, wishing for the thousandth time that I was graceful and agile instead of a lumbering cow. I leaned my back against the big oak tree’s trunk and closed my eyes, letting the shade cool my fevered body.

“What do you want to know?” The old woman said suddenly, startling me from my meditative reverie. I looked up and moved to go around the trunk.

“Stay there!” She commanded. I stayed.

“What do you want to know?”

I closed my eyes and thought long and hard. It seemed as if this woman could give me answers to questions that had been plaguing my mind for so long. How could I sum that up into what I assumed would be my one chance?

“I want to know why I exist. What is my life’s purpose?” I finally asked. Then I waited for her to tell me to get the hell off her hill and out of her field. She cleared her throat and I thought to myself, This is it- this is where she tells you to either go to hell, or that you’re supposed to have twenty babies before you die.

“Long ago, before the earth and sky separated, there walked a woman named Walani Wahana,” the old woman began in a singsong voice. I settled back against the tree, closing my eyes and listening to the rhythm of her voice.

“Walani Wahana walked the earth and sky not knowing why she existed. She assumed that The Wu had created her for a reason, but she could not understand it. She ran with the horses, seeing their purpose as beasts of burden and transport, but she couldn’t carry as much as they, nor move as fast.

“Walani walked across the face of the earth, stopping each time she met a new creature, to see if that creature’s purpose was her own. She was disappointed, time and again, to find that she shared nothing in common with the creatures of the earth and sky except a creator. She kept walking.

“One day, when the sun was high overhead, Walani was walking and bumped her head against a cloud. She was surprised to find it moist and almost intangible as she tried to learn what it was. ‘What is your purpose?’ Walani Wahana asked the cloud as she rubbed her head.

“’ I bring water to places that have none. I provide shade against the bright sun. I float and help the breeze blow.’ Walani was disappointed to find that again, she had nothing in common with a creation. Walani kept walking.

“One evening, the sun was just about to disappear behind the clouds, when Walani Wahana heard a sound she’d never heard before. She moved quickly toward the sound, recognizing it was one of distress and perhaps pain.

““Help me,” a voice cried from beneath Walani. She looked down and saw that a creature had fallen into a new fissure in the ground. She was surprised to see that he resembled her in many ways, having two arms and legs, one head and no tail. He also spoke in words she could understand.

““Please help me,” the creature said again, his mouth turning down into a picture of distress and pain. She moved carefully to stand over the fissure, bracing herself before bending to help pull him out of the ground’s maw. She stared at him as he struggled to stand upright.

““Who are you? What are you?” Walani asked as he wobbled against her. A trickle of red liquid seeped down his leg, and another was forming along his left ear. He looked at her, eyes pinched in pain, then responded.

““I am Mahana Malanu,” he said softly, as if the strength of his voice had been lost from shouting for help. “I thought I was alone here. So when I fell, I thought I’d die alone here. Then you came, and now I won’t.”

“Walani took Mahana by the arm and led him back to her dwelling place where he could rest and recover from his injuries. He stayed with her a long time. Eventually he was fully recuperated and the time came for him to leave. “

I held my breath, waiting to hear what had happened to Walani and Mahana. I could feel the parallels to my own life- always helping others, always wanting companionship…

The old woman continued the story, “ Mahana was so grateful to Walani for rescuing him that he gave her a child who grew into a strong young man. But Mahana did not stay with Walani for that was not his destiny.

“Many years after her son was grown, Walani took to wandering again. She roamed the earth and watched when the sky separated from the sea. She visited the place where she had met Mahana, but did not cross paths with him again.

“When she became too old to walk any more, Walani settled her bones beneath an old willow tree and rested until her bones were swept away by the earth.”

I was surprised to find tears streaming down my hot cheeks. I had thought Walani and Mahana would stay together- that her purpose was to nurture and love and raise their child. But that didn’t seem to be it at all. I was more confused than when I had first sat down behind the tree.

“That was a beautiful story, but I still do not know what my purpose is,” I said softly, from the other side of the tree.

A rustling laugh came back to me, “Did you think you’d find your purpose in a story, young woman? You find your purpose by living your life, by going out and doing things, not waiting around for them to happen to you. “

I blushed a bright red, although I knew she couldn’t see me. I rose quickly to my feet and went down the hill in the opposite direction from which I’d gone up the hill. I walked faster and faster away from the old woman, the tree and the hill that I soon found myself running through the prairie grasses.

I was stopped, eventually, by a long split-log fence about chest high. I couldn’t see a gate at all along the length of it, so I climbed up and over the fence and dropped to the ground. I needed to get as far away from that tree as possible, and the woman beneath it, who had made me feel such a fool.

-Jean M. Hurley, August 11, 2009

Literary musings...

As I've been reading through the wonderful e-mailed comments I've received from friends and family, I've been thinking really hard about where my strengths and weaknesses lie. I was also really inspired by Julie's blog and what her husband said to her that got her started- what do you love to do when you're not working? She loved to cook- it relaxed her and made her feel successful. She could complete a meal and have the satisfaction of knowing someone else was enjoying it. She received positive, supportive feedback from those who tasted her dishes and felt good. So she decided to use that energy in her chosen career path as writer and combine the two. Thus, the Julie/Julia project was created.

Now, I'm not a big cook. I've been experimenting more as I've come to nutritional awareness, trying to use the bounty of Nature to sweeten my palate, as opposed to over-processed sugars. Do I feel good when I hear the "yum"? You betcha. But it's not something I'm going to do full time. I don't have the patience or drive for it.

What I do have patience and drive for is reading and talking about books. I'm someone who gets wrapped up in a story, falls in love with characters, and cries when they hurt. There are novels I've wanted to jump into, and novels I wish I'd never opened. There are novels I've wished would go on forever, and some which I wish had never been written.

So, I was thinking about this a lot yesterday. How can I combine my love of reading with my desire to write? I already know I have weaknesses with writing my own, original fiction. So, I thought about writing a chapter for books I've loved over the years. Now, could this be called "fan-fiction"? I guess so. But I'm also thinking that this could be a jumping off point for me. If I start writing in different genres, mimicking different styles, I may be inspired to create my own, original works. My writing style may improve.

So, my question to you, dear readers (and please post your comments on the blog, so others can see/respond)... what novels would you like to see have another chapter?

Afraid of my creativitiy

So I've got some issues tapping into my creativity. I feel like there's this artistic genius who is trying to get out of my incredibly crowded brain, but is trapped by fear of rejection and failure. I've been told that I write beautifully, but when I try to write a story, I always end up feeling as if it's a juvenile undertaking- the characters are too flat, the dialogue is stilted, my descriptions are lacking in finesse. I don't know if I'm hampered by the fact that I've been teaching writing to people under the age of 18 for 10 years, or if I'm really incapable of writing a complete work of fiction. A few years ago I started using The Right to Write as a guide, but stopped for various reasons.

So now, I find myself in a position of not having a classroom in the fall and really questioning what I want to do with my time. After seeing Julie & Julia I realized that I had a lot in common with Julie: academically gifted, government employee, unhappy with her life's current direction. I also see myself at a turning point. After the past eight months since I started my mind/body transformation, I see myself as someone with more possibilities than I had thought previously. At the same time, I'm lacking direction- where do I go with these possibilities?

Yes I can sing, but will I make money at it? Probably not. Okay, so there's another thing- I'm too grounded in the "probably not". Maybe I'm too afraid to audition for something because I know there's no shortage of talented singers in the world, but there is a shortage of contracts to be had. I also know that I'm gifted in that I can sing, but my voice is not original. I can imitate Alanis or Sarah McLachlan, but my voice isn't unique like theirs. It's just a good, strong voice.

There are a few things I feel *really* good at: reading, typing, giving presentations, and planning trips to Walt Disney World ;) So, based on that, what do I do with my life? Join the crew at DVC?

It's such a weird feeling- maybe other artistic types can understand/explain... I feel like there's this excitement within me that's always on the verge of breaking out/breaking through/bubbling up, but never quite gets there. It's the potential that's never actualized and it's driving me nuts.

Cruise blogs...

While I was away on my cruise, I didn't have access to the Internet (yes, I suffered intense withdrawal), so I actually hand-wrote my thoughts on a semi-daily basis. What follows are the various "blogs" I wrote. Hope you enjoy!!

#1. Airports. July 2, 2009

Airports are fascinating places. Ostensibly they're used to gather people together before allowing them to board aluminum tubes powered by highly combustible fuel and travel great distances in short amounts of time.

Airports are places of hellos and goodbyes; hugs and tears; joyful meetings and sorrowful partings. They're also places of business. Airports are amazing studies in consumerism. They play on impulse spending and guilt. "I didn't get Aunt Charlene something and maybe if I buy her a magnet with I heart NY on it, she'll know I was thinking of her."

Yeah, she'll know you were thinking of her-you were thinking "Oh crap! I f I don't get Aunt Charlene something from my trip, she'll never forgive me." How many times have you (like me) seen things at an airport gift shop you don't normally see in your daily wanderings and go "Oh my God, that's so cute; I have to have it!!"?

Then there's the food.
Odds are you'll probably arrive at least an hour to two before flight time ("to get through security" you tell yourself) and invariably become hungry. Is it real hunger or temptation brought on by the sight and semll of foods you normally wouldn't touch with a twelve foot pole? And why is it that aiport snacks are usually of the incredibly high in sodium or sugar variety? Did I really need to get a pound of rice cracker mix (those Japanese yummies) before my 6 hour flight to Madrid? No, but man they looked SOOOO good sitting there in that case... And I was hungry after that nasty salad that didn't have any protein in it.

In addition, airports are excellent examples of the axiom "hurry up and wait." Get to the airport three hours ahead of time. Get on line, get your boarding pass, check your bag(s), go through security. Did that only take twenty minutes? What? Great. Now I'm stranded in the airport waiting area with no computer and evil shops and cafes. For me, this is when the anxiety really starts. How long before the flight leaves? Do I have enough time to get some food? What food should I eat? Should I get another book for the plane? Oh those candy bars look good...

Then it's on to Europe. Now, we went through security at JFK, landed in Madrid and did not go anywhere else, except maybe the bathroom. While trying to find the gate for our connecting flight, there was no time for shopping or anything like that. So, we're in the airport in Madrid and have to go through passport control. Fine. I get that- you're entering a country, they want to have a record you came through. Lovely. Did I really need to go through another security checkpoint? I haven't veered from the laybrinthine path to gates "HJK" since leaving the plane. But oh no... through the X-ray and metal detectors we went. Your bottle of liquids is .05 mL over the limit- into the garbage with you.

Security... Okay, I get that there are terrorists in the world. I get that they like to bomb European airports (oh but hmm... who does all the hunt ing for terrorists? EU? Nope.)... but really, do we still need to do this stupidity with the 3 oz of liquids? The terrorists have moved on folks. And shoes... European security checkpoints don't make us take off shoes any more. Oh TSA, could you check into that please?

What I loved best about the security in Europe was upon arrival in Venice, there were two Italian men standing at the top of an escalator saying "Passaporta". They could've been anyone. No booths, no official signs or anything... Just "passaporta". Mmm, way to make me feel secure guys.

Anticipation

I'm someone who is very connected to music. As people say things or I hear things on television, I'll make connections to songs. For example, when saying "Good morning" to my students, I often broke into the song from Singing in the Rain or even better, Oklahoma! So as I wrote the title for this post, I started singing a little Carly Simon in my head. And now you are too. Hehehehe.

So on to the idea of anticipation. As many of you know, I'm going on a Mediterranean cruise this week. I've been anticipating this cruise since February. In February, while re-vamping my food choices with the help of Donna Sonkin I had visions of sun-swept beaches and gorgeous Mediterranean men. In February, that helped me battle through the lovely New York winter and the difficulties at work I was facing. But the anticipation at that point was a lick of my favorite ice cream- a tease.

Then April came along. It was Spring Break and I was excited to have some recuperation time. That was also the week that I met Adamy Shuty and started my exercise journey. So my anticipation changed. Not only was I anticipating having a wonderful time on the cruise, I was now anticipating doing it in a bathing suit that was smaller than what I'd been wearing last year.

I remember talking about this with Andrea Aversano, MS,RD, CDN and Michelle Ruderman, RD, CDN. Yes, we were having this conversation at The Melting Pot... but don't let that cloud the issue. I stated quite clearly, "I'm going to be in a bikini in July." And my best friend Andrea, who has been a realist and a support for me in so many ways throughout my life said, "Maybe a tankini..." And I said as I popped chocolate-covered marshmallows into my mouth, "No. A bikini."

Well, Andrea and Michelle had a much better understanding of me- knowing how I worked and what I'd probably accomplish. They wanted to help me realize my goals, but also help me set more realistic ones so that the anticipation wouldn't build to a point where I'd be devastated if things didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. So, my anticipation of being in a smaller sized bathing suit was a realistic vision, the bikini- not so much. Not yet anyway.

May came along and with it graduations and parties. In addition, the anticipation of the end of the year. I'll let you in on a little secret. Most teachers start anticipating June as soon as they return for work in September. By May, the anticipation has reached a fevered pace. Such was the case for me, especially with the added incentive of a cruise. I was working hard in the gym, learning about my body and what it could handle- realizing each week, as Adam pushed me, that it could handle more and more. I had that vision of me in a bikini- something that hasn't happened since I was about thirteen years old.

And then... it was June. the year had passed with torturous slowness, but at the same time, once I found a purpose, it passed amazingly quickly. So by June, I was in high gear. Cruise me! I was shouting in my brain. Venice, Ancona, Santorini, Mykonos, Dubrovnik!! I started watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants so I could see glimpses of Greece and start salivating. I have this habit of saying "I was there" any time I see pictures of, or video about, a place I've been. So while watching that movie I kept saying, "I'm going there!"

Throughout my days I kept this glimmer of anticipation glowing in my heart and mind. When I received the news that I was being excessed, I let the pain wash away with the sound of a ship through water.

The last week of school. It's a week that most teachers look forward to and dread at the same time. If you're teaching high school in New York, it's a time of long lunches and grading papers. If you're teaching middle school in New York, it's a time of "Oh my God what can we do to keep these kids busy when their grades are already in and they don't care any more??!?!?!?!" In my mind I was thinking "Next week, I'll be getting on an airplane and landing in Madrid, then Venice."

And now, my first week of a well-deserved vacation. The anticipation is now turning into anxiety. "What should I pack? How much money will I need? What if I get seasick?" I know that once I land, I'll be the happiest camper around. I love travel. I love Europe. I want to just vegetate and soak up Vitamin D (with 70 spf sunblock, of course). The anticipation of this cruise is now consuming my every waking thought. Do I have enough shoes (never have enough shoes)? Should I bring along another pair of capris? What about....?

I just find it so fascinating how anticipation works. We have this idea of something good (or bad) and it just lingers in our brains. As the event comes closer, our brains start working over time, sending out chemicals and making our hearts speed up and our breathing come faster. Maybe you'll lose sleep. Maybe you'll go on an insane shopping spree. Maybe you'll have a panic attack. Maybe you'll meditate on the glories of life and how wonderful it is to have something to anticipate with joy.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway.
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

Anticipation. Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting.-- Carly Simon

Seasons of...

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love."- Rent, Jonathan D. Larson

This was the song that a few eighth grade girls sang today at their graduation and it got me thinking. How do I measure my life? What seasons have I gone through? It seems like my days to this point have been measured in alarm clocks and by bells. Do I want to spend all of my life that way? Wake-up, make coffee (need da coffee!!), make breakfast, make lunch, drive to work... Measuring life in miles travelled...

And then I look at myself in the mirror and see a different person. I'm forty pounds lighter, so I'm also measuring this year in pounds, ounces, grams... and dress sizes dropped. Then I started working out and started measuring by crunches, and burpees and jump squats.

How do you measure a year? 525, 600 minutes. How many of those were spent sleeping or dreaming or wondering "What if"? How many of those 525,600 minutes were spent stuffing my face with foods that will kill me? 525,600 minutes to wonder where I am and where I'm going now.

Of course, those minutes make hours and hours make days and days make months and months make seasons... What are the seasons of my life? My fall- a time of closing up, insecurity; my winter- a time of hibernation, loss, fear; my spring- coming out of my shell, gaining confidence, seeing hope; my summer- confident, strong, secure me.

I'm looking forward to making my summer last as long as it possibly can. Literally, I know it will last until September 21st. Figuratively, now that I'm into this time of strength and growth, I want my summer to last forever. I'd like to measure my life in seasons of love- the love of my parents and family, the love of friends...

525,600 minutes, what will you do with yours?

Gone with the wind...

I wish I could use the often misquoted Rhett Butler line from Gone with the Wind to express how I feel about this year, but frankly, my dears, I do give a damn. It's been one of those years that God throws at us when we need to be reminded that we are not omniscient or omnipotent. This year has been fraught with changes for me, which seem minor in context with a global picture, but as I live it day to day, they fill my world like an IMAX screen.

Life lesson are pretty important and many of you who know me know that I've said, frequently, that any day I learn something new is a good day. Here are some lessons I've learned in this past academic year:

1. Do not teach middle school if you have been a high school teacher for your entire career.
- I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but let me explain my reasoning. As a high school instructor, you teach in a certain way using certain materials. If you've been doing this for ten years, you might need to re-educate yourself about age-appropriate materials.

2. Hold on to your friends.
-Even if you make and break dates, you can fix it. If you're in the midst of a deep depression, people want to know and help. That's why we have friends.

3. Get enough sleep.
- Sleep you say? When shall I do that? When you need to, is my answer. You know you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Cut back on the computer visitations (yes, I know, I'm guilty). Don't have coffee after dinner. Leave yourself time to relax and fall asleep naturally.

4. Work someplace you'll enjoy going to day in and day out for 180 days (or more).
- But a job is a job, isn't it? Benefits, pension, paycheck? If you come home day after day and collapse on the couch and can't talk to people because you're so stressed from your job, it's not a place for you to be. How much is your mental health worth to you?

5. Eat organic.
- I know, Chee-tos and Lay's potato chips and Hershey bars are oh so yummy, but when you take a look at their ingredients, your brain should go: ICK! Do you really need to lick fake cheese powder off of your fingers? Is organic more expensive? Sure. But again, what is your health worth to you?

6. Exercise.
- You may be laughing at me right now because you all know how hard I've struggled with exercise and weight loss throughout my life. However, as someone who has been reaping the benefits, and as someone who couldn't get two feet in the gym door, I can assure you that exercise works. Yes, my therapist told me for years that exercise was good for me. Intellectually I could understand that. Emotionally, I didn't want any part of it. I struggled very hard to get myself to a point when I could think about working out without running into my bedroom and slamming the door or grabbing a Hershey bar and scarfing it down. But luckily I have people who care about me surrounding me and they supported me when I finally came to the realization, and worked up enough gumption to take the first steps.

7. Life is beautiful.
- You may be sick of the rain, meteorologically and metaphorically, but think about what rain does for us. It nourishes the plants; it fills our reservoirs, it feeds us. So, your metaphorical rain is doing something for you too. Life is beautiful, no matter what obstacles you face. We are so very lucky to be on this planet, capable of enjoying each other and learning from each other every day.

8. There will come a day...
- When you feel satisfied. I'm not there yet, but I know it exists. I would not have to struggle for so long without some reward. At some point, you will realize you don't need those boots, or that extra job, or to take that vacation. You will look around you, gaze at those whom you love and be content.

9. Have hope.
- Throughout this year I've been singing a song from The Cathedrals in my head. The lyrics kept me going through some of the worst days I've experienced. I kept thinking "If I can just hold on till tomorrow, I know the Lord's gonna bring a better day." If I didn't have that hope, I would've sunk into my turtle shell and never emerged. It's hard to keep hope alive when you're faced with so much despair and darkness, but if you remember #8, that might help.

10. Love.
- Am I content with my love life? Of course not. Do I love? Yes. Loving others is a gift that we have, a treasure we're allowed to share with others. When you love someone, that creates a sense of well-being within yourself. When you love, and know you're loved, you feel that you can overcome any obstacle that Fortune might throw in your path. Just knowing I could go home to a place of warmth and love helped me get through so many rough days this year.

11. Stairs do not get easier.
- No matter what anyone says, if you have to climb more than three flights of stairs in a NYC public school, they do NOT get easier. Your legs may get stronger, but climbing those stairs will still leave you breathless at the top. However, if you look at it in terms of Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb"- that struggle you make to get to the top is what life is really about. What do you learn from climbing those stairs (literally and metaphorically)?

12. Naps are good... in moderation
- This goes along with my sleeping thing... Naps are good. Take one with a cat, preferably one that will purr you into oblivion. Should you nap at 7:00 at night? No. Maybe at 4:30... but don't become all about the nap. Naps are treasures and should be valued, not used up. I realized that I spent a good portion of this year napping instead of doing things to benefit myself and had to change that.

13. Be open to new experiences.
- That's one lesson I've really taken to heart, especially lately. It's been so hard trying to find a job that I've been looking into fields I wouldn't've considered previously. The searches have awakened in me a desire to learn to be better at skills I've acknowledged but never truly mastered.

14. Don't let fear make you weak.
- Fear is our body's natural way of letting us know something bad is happening to us. But why do we become crippled by fear? Acknowledge it, give it a time limit and move on. You've got better things to do with your life than be crippled by fear.

So, I guess I learned a lot this year. I'm looking forward to learning more- but hopefully at a less stressful pace next year.

If I can just hold on...

Until tomorrow, then I've got a week off!! I'm a little jealous that I'm not sharing the same time off with my friends, but it's all good. I can get through it! I'm into poetry now with the kids and those of you who've taught with me know how much I love poetry!! :) I'm hoping to get some nice work out of the kids. Don't forget, April 30 (Dr. Mom's birthday!) is Poem in Your Pocket Day. Http://www.poets.org has some great stuff for PIYP.

I'm looking forward to seeing friends and enculturating myself with some museums or exhibits. I'm feeling the need to garden (maybe it's genetic... I do have a blue-ribbon-winning gardener for a Grandmother), but can't do it while we're trying to get the house ready to sell. Yes, irony has reared its ugly head and is smacking me in the face. Hehehe.

I'm not looking forward to it, but I know I'll be doing it: Spring cleaning. Gotta get rid of clothes and books. I AM looking forward to getting rid of the stuff that doesn't fit because it's TOO BIG!! :) And then the great shred-out... What gets shredded, what gets recycled... Wish I was creative and could make things out of no-longer necessary paper. I'm also looking forward to opening the windows... although I could do without the critters!! It's definitely spider season!! EEP!

So, there's my ramble... Hope this finds y'all well and enjoying another beautiful day.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And a lovely one it is!! I've been playing some nice Irish (or Sssseltic as my colleague says) music all morning. Of course my little darlings don't appreciate it, but I've been enjoying it. It's so weird being in a school that doesn't do anything for St. Patrick's Day. But, I guess with the population here, we're lucky they know that the day *is* St. Patrick's Day. I miss the silly hats and the "wearing o' the green" all over the place. It just goes to show how important building unity and fraternity among a faculty is. We're all separated and compartmentalized into our classrooms... No faculty lounge (although maybe the room designated as such will be available by June) no social committee... Kinda sad. Was it Lee Iacocca who wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People or the Donald? Regardless, this school seems to practice "How to alienate people and start wars." A sad commentary on things.

But, on a positive note, I'm wearing a sweatshirt I bought in Ireland in August of 1999... And it fits!!! WoOHoO! Erin go bragh!! :)

Spring is here...

I miss Regina's annual spring announcement: "Spring is here/the grass is riz/I wonder where the birdies is?"

However, I am thankful that spring has finally arrived. This princess has been hiding in her tower being S.A.D., but I'm doing much better now. I'm losing weight at a slow and steady rate, which is definitely helping my mood. I'm also eating better foods which is another contributor to the mood improvement.

I guess we're all suffering from "in these tough economic times," but I'm accentuating the positive. I've got friends who care about me; parents/other relatives who love me; a job and benefits. I'm working on "getting out there," trying to go to positive lectures/sessions- just an overall improvement in myself.

Still having some issues with the kids, but things are slowly getting better.