Anticipation

I'm someone who is very connected to music. As people say things or I hear things on television, I'll make connections to songs. For example, when saying "Good morning" to my students, I often broke into the song from Singing in the Rain or even better, Oklahoma! So as I wrote the title for this post, I started singing a little Carly Simon in my head. And now you are too. Hehehehe.

So on to the idea of anticipation. As many of you know, I'm going on a Mediterranean cruise this week. I've been anticipating this cruise since February. In February, while re-vamping my food choices with the help of Donna Sonkin I had visions of sun-swept beaches and gorgeous Mediterranean men. In February, that helped me battle through the lovely New York winter and the difficulties at work I was facing. But the anticipation at that point was a lick of my favorite ice cream- a tease.

Then April came along. It was Spring Break and I was excited to have some recuperation time. That was also the week that I met Adamy Shuty and started my exercise journey. So my anticipation changed. Not only was I anticipating having a wonderful time on the cruise, I was now anticipating doing it in a bathing suit that was smaller than what I'd been wearing last year.

I remember talking about this with Andrea Aversano, MS,RD, CDN and Michelle Ruderman, RD, CDN. Yes, we were having this conversation at The Melting Pot... but don't let that cloud the issue. I stated quite clearly, "I'm going to be in a bikini in July." And my best friend Andrea, who has been a realist and a support for me in so many ways throughout my life said, "Maybe a tankini..." And I said as I popped chocolate-covered marshmallows into my mouth, "No. A bikini."

Well, Andrea and Michelle had a much better understanding of me- knowing how I worked and what I'd probably accomplish. They wanted to help me realize my goals, but also help me set more realistic ones so that the anticipation wouldn't build to a point where I'd be devastated if things didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. So, my anticipation of being in a smaller sized bathing suit was a realistic vision, the bikini- not so much. Not yet anyway.

May came along and with it graduations and parties. In addition, the anticipation of the end of the year. I'll let you in on a little secret. Most teachers start anticipating June as soon as they return for work in September. By May, the anticipation has reached a fevered pace. Such was the case for me, especially with the added incentive of a cruise. I was working hard in the gym, learning about my body and what it could handle- realizing each week, as Adam pushed me, that it could handle more and more. I had that vision of me in a bikini- something that hasn't happened since I was about thirteen years old.

And then... it was June. the year had passed with torturous slowness, but at the same time, once I found a purpose, it passed amazingly quickly. So by June, I was in high gear. Cruise me! I was shouting in my brain. Venice, Ancona, Santorini, Mykonos, Dubrovnik!! I started watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants so I could see glimpses of Greece and start salivating. I have this habit of saying "I was there" any time I see pictures of, or video about, a place I've been. So while watching that movie I kept saying, "I'm going there!"

Throughout my days I kept this glimmer of anticipation glowing in my heart and mind. When I received the news that I was being excessed, I let the pain wash away with the sound of a ship through water.

The last week of school. It's a week that most teachers look forward to and dread at the same time. If you're teaching high school in New York, it's a time of long lunches and grading papers. If you're teaching middle school in New York, it's a time of "Oh my God what can we do to keep these kids busy when their grades are already in and they don't care any more??!?!?!?!" In my mind I was thinking "Next week, I'll be getting on an airplane and landing in Madrid, then Venice."

And now, my first week of a well-deserved vacation. The anticipation is now turning into anxiety. "What should I pack? How much money will I need? What if I get seasick?" I know that once I land, I'll be the happiest camper around. I love travel. I love Europe. I want to just vegetate and soak up Vitamin D (with 70 spf sunblock, of course). The anticipation of this cruise is now consuming my every waking thought. Do I have enough shoes (never have enough shoes)? Should I bring along another pair of capris? What about....?

I just find it so fascinating how anticipation works. We have this idea of something good (or bad) and it just lingers in our brains. As the event comes closer, our brains start working over time, sending out chemicals and making our hearts speed up and our breathing come faster. Maybe you'll lose sleep. Maybe you'll go on an insane shopping spree. Maybe you'll have a panic attack. Maybe you'll meditate on the glories of life and how wonderful it is to have something to anticipate with joy.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway.
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

Anticipation. Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting.-- Carly Simon

Seasons of...

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love."- Rent, Jonathan D. Larson

This was the song that a few eighth grade girls sang today at their graduation and it got me thinking. How do I measure my life? What seasons have I gone through? It seems like my days to this point have been measured in alarm clocks and by bells. Do I want to spend all of my life that way? Wake-up, make coffee (need da coffee!!), make breakfast, make lunch, drive to work... Measuring life in miles travelled...

And then I look at myself in the mirror and see a different person. I'm forty pounds lighter, so I'm also measuring this year in pounds, ounces, grams... and dress sizes dropped. Then I started working out and started measuring by crunches, and burpees and jump squats.

How do you measure a year? 525, 600 minutes. How many of those were spent sleeping or dreaming or wondering "What if"? How many of those 525,600 minutes were spent stuffing my face with foods that will kill me? 525,600 minutes to wonder where I am and where I'm going now.

Of course, those minutes make hours and hours make days and days make months and months make seasons... What are the seasons of my life? My fall- a time of closing up, insecurity; my winter- a time of hibernation, loss, fear; my spring- coming out of my shell, gaining confidence, seeing hope; my summer- confident, strong, secure me.

I'm looking forward to making my summer last as long as it possibly can. Literally, I know it will last until September 21st. Figuratively, now that I'm into this time of strength and growth, I want my summer to last forever. I'd like to measure my life in seasons of love- the love of my parents and family, the love of friends...

525,600 minutes, what will you do with yours?

Gone with the wind...

I wish I could use the often misquoted Rhett Butler line from Gone with the Wind to express how I feel about this year, but frankly, my dears, I do give a damn. It's been one of those years that God throws at us when we need to be reminded that we are not omniscient or omnipotent. This year has been fraught with changes for me, which seem minor in context with a global picture, but as I live it day to day, they fill my world like an IMAX screen.

Life lesson are pretty important and many of you who know me know that I've said, frequently, that any day I learn something new is a good day. Here are some lessons I've learned in this past academic year:

1. Do not teach middle school if you have been a high school teacher for your entire career.
- I think this is pretty self-explanatory, but let me explain my reasoning. As a high school instructor, you teach in a certain way using certain materials. If you've been doing this for ten years, you might need to re-educate yourself about age-appropriate materials.

2. Hold on to your friends.
-Even if you make and break dates, you can fix it. If you're in the midst of a deep depression, people want to know and help. That's why we have friends.

3. Get enough sleep.
- Sleep you say? When shall I do that? When you need to, is my answer. You know you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Cut back on the computer visitations (yes, I know, I'm guilty). Don't have coffee after dinner. Leave yourself time to relax and fall asleep naturally.

4. Work someplace you'll enjoy going to day in and day out for 180 days (or more).
- But a job is a job, isn't it? Benefits, pension, paycheck? If you come home day after day and collapse on the couch and can't talk to people because you're so stressed from your job, it's not a place for you to be. How much is your mental health worth to you?

5. Eat organic.
- I know, Chee-tos and Lay's potato chips and Hershey bars are oh so yummy, but when you take a look at their ingredients, your brain should go: ICK! Do you really need to lick fake cheese powder off of your fingers? Is organic more expensive? Sure. But again, what is your health worth to you?

6. Exercise.
- You may be laughing at me right now because you all know how hard I've struggled with exercise and weight loss throughout my life. However, as someone who has been reaping the benefits, and as someone who couldn't get two feet in the gym door, I can assure you that exercise works. Yes, my therapist told me for years that exercise was good for me. Intellectually I could understand that. Emotionally, I didn't want any part of it. I struggled very hard to get myself to a point when I could think about working out without running into my bedroom and slamming the door or grabbing a Hershey bar and scarfing it down. But luckily I have people who care about me surrounding me and they supported me when I finally came to the realization, and worked up enough gumption to take the first steps.

7. Life is beautiful.
- You may be sick of the rain, meteorologically and metaphorically, but think about what rain does for us. It nourishes the plants; it fills our reservoirs, it feeds us. So, your metaphorical rain is doing something for you too. Life is beautiful, no matter what obstacles you face. We are so very lucky to be on this planet, capable of enjoying each other and learning from each other every day.

8. There will come a day...
- When you feel satisfied. I'm not there yet, but I know it exists. I would not have to struggle for so long without some reward. At some point, you will realize you don't need those boots, or that extra job, or to take that vacation. You will look around you, gaze at those whom you love and be content.

9. Have hope.
- Throughout this year I've been singing a song from The Cathedrals in my head. The lyrics kept me going through some of the worst days I've experienced. I kept thinking "If I can just hold on till tomorrow, I know the Lord's gonna bring a better day." If I didn't have that hope, I would've sunk into my turtle shell and never emerged. It's hard to keep hope alive when you're faced with so much despair and darkness, but if you remember #8, that might help.

10. Love.
- Am I content with my love life? Of course not. Do I love? Yes. Loving others is a gift that we have, a treasure we're allowed to share with others. When you love someone, that creates a sense of well-being within yourself. When you love, and know you're loved, you feel that you can overcome any obstacle that Fortune might throw in your path. Just knowing I could go home to a place of warmth and love helped me get through so many rough days this year.

11. Stairs do not get easier.
- No matter what anyone says, if you have to climb more than three flights of stairs in a NYC public school, they do NOT get easier. Your legs may get stronger, but climbing those stairs will still leave you breathless at the top. However, if you look at it in terms of Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb"- that struggle you make to get to the top is what life is really about. What do you learn from climbing those stairs (literally and metaphorically)?

12. Naps are good... in moderation
- This goes along with my sleeping thing... Naps are good. Take one with a cat, preferably one that will purr you into oblivion. Should you nap at 7:00 at night? No. Maybe at 4:30... but don't become all about the nap. Naps are treasures and should be valued, not used up. I realized that I spent a good portion of this year napping instead of doing things to benefit myself and had to change that.

13. Be open to new experiences.
- That's one lesson I've really taken to heart, especially lately. It's been so hard trying to find a job that I've been looking into fields I wouldn't've considered previously. The searches have awakened in me a desire to learn to be better at skills I've acknowledged but never truly mastered.

14. Don't let fear make you weak.
- Fear is our body's natural way of letting us know something bad is happening to us. But why do we become crippled by fear? Acknowledge it, give it a time limit and move on. You've got better things to do with your life than be crippled by fear.

So, I guess I learned a lot this year. I'm looking forward to learning more- but hopefully at a less stressful pace next year.